Loving and being loved is one of the most precious emotions that we can experience as romantic relationships are a great source of inspiration, purpose, and fulfillment. We invest in relationships with the aim to make it stronger and durable, so we build expectations, make plans and dedicate our heart to it.
But what happens when our dream turns into dust? When all we knew we had is about to become a memory? Undoubtedly the first feelings that invade our mind and soul are desperation and shock. It feels unreal and all we think of is how we can prevent the separation from happening.
And yet, with all our efforts to heal the wounds and cover the gaps that caused the breakup, the inevitable occurs. S/he is gone and you are left with confused thoughts and a broken heart. In those moments all we wish to do is to wake up and realise that it was only a nightmare.
It would be so easy if we had a switch button to turn off the love we once felt and start from 0, but unfortunately we have to learn how to deal with the pain and heal ourselves.
The first and most important step in the healing process is acceptance. Your partner has decided to walk out of the relationship even though for you there was no real reason for why s/he would have left. Accept the fact that it happened, just like all the other situations in your life .
While you must experience a hundred mixed feelings, you need to find activities that help you relax. Living in denial, anger or sadness will only feed your confused thoughts, which will increase your sensation of desperation and fear. Although everything must have happened as quick as a lightning strike, you need to take advantage of solitude to find yourself amongt pain, love, regret and sadness. Go hiking, read, paint, travel for a while, meditate or invest in your previous hobbies.
3. Cut the ombilical cord
In other words, disconnect/distance yourself from anything that could remind you of your partner. Photos, books, songs, places or any object that could remind you of the moments you shared, must not be around you or in your life. Rewatching or visiting places that you two frequented together will keep the wound open. Through separation you have entered a new unwanted chapter in your life, which is why you need to visit new places, listen to new music etc.
However, do not make the mistake of entering a new relationship. 80% of the relationships initiated as a result of a breakup are prone to end in their early stages. Both women and men feel the urge to begin a new relationship out of fear of being alone or because they think that a new love will erase the pain. It is absolutely wrong. You risk to engage in an union where you barely know the other person and consequently you do not start nurturing sincere feelings for him/her. While it is not fair on the new person you meet, you also risk to deepen your pain by meeting someone who is not your right match.
Therefore, psychologists estimate that on average we need 17 months to get over a breakup. While it may not be a standard rule, take your time to rediscover yourself in this period of loneliness and once you regained your confidence, seek for a new partner.
4. Keep a diary
Certainly there are so many things left unsaid, emotions unexpressed and plans that vanished in a blink of an eye. So, ideally would be to write down or record all your thoughts. Express things just the way they feel inside, but at the same time, strive to improve your emotions. For instance, if today you felt bitter and sad, tomorrow try to feel less sad and more positive. If today you saw your future in black, tomorrow try to think of where you see yourself by the end of the year. The key is to always work on your feelings and put efforts into change them from negative to positive.
If you feel that you cannot do it on your own, seek support from friends or professionals who are ready to offer tailored therapies with the aim to improve your emotional life.
Your relationship/marriage and the separation are full of lessons that will shape the person you will become tomorrow. In order to heal and grow, reflect on yourself. What did your relationship/marriage teach you? Is there anything you wish you could have done/said better? What qualities did you find in your period of loneliness? How do you wish your next relationship to be and how you hope to achieve that?
When we go through a breakup we tend to go from one extreme to another: one day we blame ourselves for the failure and the next day we blame our ex partner, when in reality we both are guilty along with the destiny. It is important to remember that some unions are not meant to last as they only have the role of changing us in the person we are meant to be.
6. See it as a blessing
It broke you, but it has not destroyed you. It shaped you and gave you a pack of new ideas about love and life. It challenged you and transformed you into a strong person. No need to hold grudges, no need to regret. You are a new person who can and will find a new love.